How to Start Meaningful Conversations with Your Teen
Do you ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall when you try to communicate with your teen?
Do you struggle to get more than a one-word answer or a grunt from them?
I remember being a teenager and dreading my mom or dad trying to ask me questions. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and just gave one-word answers. I felt like they were prying rather than really interested in knowing me. Maybe if I had given them a chance, I could have felt differently, but that’s how most of my teen relationship with my parents played out; eye rolls and prying questions. I’m so sorry Mom and Dad!
Many parents find it hard to connect with their teens, especially in this digital age where teens are often glued to their screens and distracted by social media, games, and other online activities.
But don’t give up hope!
There are ways to break the ice and start a meaningful conversation with your teen, without sounding like a nag, a bore, or a spy. Here are some tips and ideas to help you get your teen talking:
Tip #1: Choose the right time and place
Timing and setting are important factors for a successful conversation. Don’t try to talk to your teen when they are busy, stressed, tired, hungry, or in a bad mood. Instead, look for opportunities when they are relaxed, calm, and open to chat, such as after dinner, during a car ride, or before bed.
You know teens care a lot about how they look in front of others, so it is not a good idea to try talking seriously to your teen in front of their peers.
Tip #2: Be respectful and curious, but not nosey
One of the main reasons why teens don’t want to talk to their parents is because they feel like they are being judged, criticized, lectured, or interrogated, which is what I felt as a teen, hence the eye rolls. To avoid this, you need to be respectful and curious about your teen’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences.
I know this is difficult but try hard not to tell them what to do, think, or feel. Instead, show genuine interest and curiosity about their world, and listen to them with an open mind and most of all an open and empathetic heart.
Use positive and encouraging words to acknowledge, praise, and support your teen. Use humor, laughter, and compliments to lighten the mood and make the conversation more fun. Use open-ended questions, such as “what”, “how”, and “why”, to invite your teen to share more details and insights.
Tip #3: Use conversation starters that spark interest and engagement
Sometimes, the hardest part of a conversation is finding a topic that both you and your teen can relate to and enjoy. If you ask the same boring questions that barely get a one-word reply, such as “How was school?” or “What did you do today?”, you’re not going to get very far.
Instead, you need to use conversation starters that spark interest and engagement, and that allow you to learn more about your teen’s personality, interests, passions, goals, and challenges. Here are some examples of conversation starters that you can use to talk with your teen:
What made you smile today?
What irritated you today?
What do you have hope for?
If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be and why?
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
What makes you laugh? Has anything happened lately that made you laugh so hard your stomach hurt?
If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet and what would you ask them?
What is something you’d like to know more about?
What music are you listening to lately?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
If you could change something about your school, what would you change?
Do you ever feel jealous?
What is something you wish you could do?
Which one of your friends makes you feel the most comfortable?
Tip #4: Follow up and follow through
A conversation is not a one-time event, but a continuous process of building trust, and connection. Keep the connection going with little moments of connection.
Follow up by showing interest and curiosity in what your teen has shared with you. Ask them how things are going, what they have learned, or how they feel about the topic. Give them feedback, encouragement, or advice, if appropriate. Share your own thoughts, feelings, or experiences, if relevant.
Follow through by taking action on what your teen has shared with you. If they have asked you to do something, do it. If they have told you something important, remember it. If they have expressed a need, meet it. If they have shown appreciation, reciprocate it.
By following up and following through, you show your teen that you care about them, that you respect them, and that you value their conversation.
Talking to your teen may not be easy, but it is worth it. Even if they block you with one word answers, keep trying! By using these tips and ideas, you can start a meaningful conversation with your teen, and strengthen your relationship with them. Remember, the more you talk to your teen, the more they will talk to you. So don’t be afraid to start the conversation, and enjoy the journey of getting to know your teen better.